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The War Between My Brain and My Self-esteem

Sep 26, 2013

Sometimes it’s a struggle not to engage in the war between my brain and my self-esteem. Weight stigma and body hatred are learned. I’ve shared before how hard this is sometimes: here and here. The latter one was a super-hard experience and was part of the cause of my posting hiatus.

Weight Stigma Awareness Week (#WSAW) is bringing out oodles of articles and posts that remind me that I’m not alone. Sometimes I read something that is not helpful. Often, I read things that open my mind. In particular was one that challenged whether body image and “body love” were relevant to fighting weight stigma: Body “love” has always seemed a bizarre concept to me, and one totally not on my bucket list.

I didn’t mention that when I got my photos from the December photo shoot, I saw all sorts of flaws in my – well – everything. Fat this, fat that, fat this and that. Fat = flaw. I saw me, a flaw. And even though I was aware of what was happening, and even though I saw the illogicalicity [cross between illogicality and duplicity] in it, I couldn’t make it stop. It was a very emotional experience, one which made me wonder why I didn’t wear Spanx or tights under my jeans, and why I didn’t wear makeup. It made me wonder why on earth I am putting myself out here like this, and who I am to think that I should wear anything besides sweats and a t-shirt.

Yet who am I to be so hard on myself? It reminds me of the time in college (yes, I said COLLEGE, which should be full of ADULTS, right), when I was walking down the hall to class, two bratty guys were standing at the doorway, and when I got close enough, one of them starting making sound effects “smash, smash, smash” for every step I made. I gave him a “go to hell” look, but the kick in the gut felt real.

I feel it now.

As I looked at those photos, that is what I did to myself.

I’m confused, and it’s okay. Two blog posts ago, I thought I had it all figured out. Well, two posts ago, I did. But recovery from bullying must take a lifetime. PBSD: Post-bullying stress disorder. It crops up.

I can’t post anything of wisdom today because of that kick in the gut feeling that is sitting here right now. It’s a good thing there are so many hundreds of other posts out there this week to make up for it.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. permalink
    Oct 5, 2013 8:53 pm

    I’ve had “that” kick. It sucks, and we just go on. But I’m with you.
    And loving exploring your blog. Fantastic! —-Jen


    • Oct 5, 2013 10:12 pm

      Thank you, Jen. I’m glad I don’t feel that way today, but isn’t it a healing process? ~Liz


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