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Bras, Belts, and Boots Are NOT Made Right

Dec 9, 2012

Bras, belts, and boots are NOT made right. They confuse the hell out of me. Here’s what they do:

I’m not sure where my waist is. Once in a while, I think it’s below my boobs. Sometimes, I think it’s above my hips. And once in a while, it falls smack dab in the middle, as if I had some imaginary hourglass figure.

Yesterday, I wanted it to be below my boobs, but my belt kept telling me it was lower than that. My back fat confused the damned belt. And the damned bra. Belts and bras should be made with my back fat in mind. Otherwise, back fat is a bother. It interferes with my waist. I think that my back fat and my waist fat are having a battle, and I’m not sure which is going to win. Having my boobs hang over a belt is a plus. Having back fat hang over my belt is unexpected.

Oh, who am I kidding? I expected it, I just hoped my bra would fix it. I think I wore the wrong bra. Actually, I KNOW I wore the wrong bra. But the one I should have worn, a Butterfly Bra from Ashley Stewart, didn’t come with instructions, and every time, by the time I get it on, I’m dripping with sweat from all the work. I didn’t have that much time or energy yesterday. You should not have to burn calories to get on a f-ing bra.

So I wore a Goddess bra which purports to help with back fat, but not MY back fat. My back fat is special. It’s loose and jiggly and floppy and uneven – kinda like the hills of Iowa (YouTube link alert). But at least it sort of raises my boobs up. The bra, not the back fat. If the back fat raised up my boobs, I wouldn’t be complaining.

I need to embrace my back fat, love my back fat, even flaunt my back fat. Yeah, that sounds like a good topic for another post ’cause it ain’t happenin’ yet – not until after I start getting a lot of beautiful photos of my back fat. Photos change how I see things.

I don’t really care WHERE my waist is, but it just won’t stay in one place! Case in point – my outfit from yesterday. I looked in the mirror before we walked out of the house and was flabbergasted at how good I looked. But as the day progressed, the belt self-adjusted. It folded. It moved around. It separated in the back (it’s an Obi [???] belt from IGIGI that also did not come with instructions). I kept having to mess with it. And I finally just said to hell with it and took it off.

Then there’s my belly. A big jolly belly is a trait from both of my parents, with a deep innie belly button and too much hair. Actually, I think the hair comes from my dad’s side. Are Germans hairy people? This is why I want to go to Germany. I have this image that Germans are much more practical when it comes to bellies, waists, body hair, back fat, and deodorant. Plus, Birkenstocks come from Germany, which is PROOF that Germans are much more practical when it comes to footwear. It would be worth it just to come back with a whole suitcase full of Birkenstocks.

Oh my. And then there were the boots. Now, to be honest, I didn’t have to wear these. I could have tried them on and sent them back. But I liked them. They are black over-the-knee boots from Ashley Stewart. Notice I said over-the-knee. I have two pairs of over-the-knee boots. One is stiff and has no freedom of movement in the back. The other is this pair. Yesterday was the first time I had tried them, and here’s what happened.

They wouldn’t zip above my knees. They are wide-calf, so WTF was that all about? Right… wide-CALF is not the same as wide-THIGH. Wouldn’t it make sense that IF SOMEONE HAS WIDE CALVES THEY WOULD HAVE EVEN WIDER THIGHS??? So in order to wear them, I had two options. 1) Keep them over my thighs but slightly unzipped; or, 2) Scrunch them down below my thighs, effectively making them scrunch boots. They were soft enough to do that, but that’s not what over-the-knee boots are supposed to do.

At this point, I was pissed. Bra – wrong. Belt – wrong. Boots – WRONG. Who comes up with these designs, skinny people????? In my opinion, if you are designing plus-sized clothes, you yourself have to weigh at least 300 pounds AND have hanging back fat. Otherwise, you don’t know how they are going to wear on me.

My thighs work like this: they come down in a fairly proportional taper to my knees and then *gloop* they flop. It’s like the fat cells and hanging skin from decades of body abuse all gather right there in that one place. Well, at that one place and on my back. My elbows are the same way. At least there is consistency.

So I chose option 2. I probably could have made option 1 work with duct tape, but I have no black duct tape.

Regardless of the incorrectly made bra, belt, and shoes, I looked damned good. Here are my self-taken photos. I didn’t get the boots in the photos – but you can imagine. Enjoy.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Dec 10, 2012 3:02 am

    You are absolutely right! The body reshapes depending on the clothing – and bras are the WORST! I could try on 10 different bras and have 10 different booby incarnations. It’s wild. I hate bra shopping with a passion. And boots are tricky too! Some are just not made to fit over anything larger than a small baby’s calf. It’s crazy. So you have to try on 10 million pairs of boots just to find a pair you kinda like. Congrats on your adventures. Cheers.


  2. Dec 10, 2012 3:26 am

    I have two favorite pairs of boots. One is black and the other is a sort of a maple wood brown color. I want a pair of the black ones in brown, and a pair of the brown ones in black. If I had that, I would probably need no other boots. But I can’t find those! Agh!! Thanks for reading and commenting, Teeny B.!


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